I was searching at one point to play shows and connect,
internally all of the formations of what seemed like
kissing lots of butt or trying to use word and words only
to explain your music or visions and sense of soul relief of music,
really appeared disengenuous and beside the point of what
this process of creating really is internally.

Music is very sacral to my being and it is very raw and on the go.
Yet it is natural and seemingly always unrehearsed.

In my head I built up some idea of getting along and travelling and
finding people who would understand it and to be kind,
I did not realize that so many contemporaries would instead be
competition, or just as often shoot you wild eyes not as like
fellow musicians would treat someone, but like you are someone new
at their snack dish and so they must fend for themselves in a way
to sort of have no new threats of things that they already have going.

And that made it where no matter what you do, you're still that "outlier"
as I'd come to find myself being pretty much no matter what.
Because it's an undefining thing,
to love a lot of different styles, or
for the most part of who I am or this experience that I am,
to embody and take on a sensation that is ceremonial and cathartic.

So with all of the schedules and booking,
and also the expected performance behavior of socializing to get there,
with drinking rooms and condensed little clubs where music bounces
rather than draws outward and soaks in,
even in this present moment I am learning things about something
which is my place as a creator.
And how nothing of any of this,
nothing of what I can do,
can really be branded or packaged,
at least not to my satisfaction,
necesarrily of getting to be "right with others"

because if it seems misunderstood or if you get it,
I am realizing the fulfillment for song and crafting,
and having so many projects I put something beyond my soul into,
really is for no one else.
Only too, in aiding that understanding I am learning in now,
in 09/2023, as I have sort of saw how ruthless it can be
to be a part of shows, communities, to try and let your real
passion be known,
to see how vastly political and socialially nepotistic it really all is.

Like you are too screwed up socially really to fit in or really pertain
to the "acceptable" or accepted misfits already.
Something seemed very hokey about it and I try to write this respectively,
but being there "on deck" to play or to be anywhere and be some of many numbers
to just run through, and you sort of "sell yourself" in a way,
commands something from out of me that does not seem totally well
to the wholeness of the magic of music.

It seems typically marketable.
There is this vast leaving of tension within my being,
from personal experiences in life, and personal visions in life,
and comings and goings of others, while I myself leave to many
persistant new atmospheres of experience as well.

It is so, so political or socially demanding even at the strictest local level,
when it comes to something very inauthentic feeling from everything from
booking to venues and especially as to "being acceptable."

I cannot keep calm in my music,
and cannot keep to a rubric with playing,
and despite the image today which really is heavily
repreciative to a huge blast of nostalgia worship,
mainly to hokey folk relaying, and also grunge or punk or
dirty rock re-living, things which are both pure expressions in some ways,
and more than a lot realize, extremely politicized social-belongers
clubs (unto which I never felt comfortable, invited, or finding a real honing ground into, as outliers like myself get enough guff for
I suppose not being a drinker, or into the things required thought wise
for me to exactify or else "You're out! and you're really out!"

Like for me, I just want to step in and do my music,
I want to do my thing. I get up and play,
I hone in to usually improvise...
There is this life current and it fills the now.
And it plays through as it should,
or sometimes I learn, and repremand myself if that is the case,
but yet again it goes to a knowledge that you go out and had took that
chance.
With no safety net.
And that is how I like it, very much, and a lot,
having no safety net completely when playing,
or when writing a song.
"So the spirits take over."

Some headway types came in and took over a lot of community
branches of the arts.
If you aren't "in with em,"
if you don't... you know,
kiss their butts of chum up and do this whole dance and routine sort of thing,
like, that's it.. you're done. No chances. Little papers will scold ya,
but all that stuff they worshipped, in image,
you know, the bastards or wild frontiers-people of chances
and not having a clean scruff of total ideals,
you know, it's been turned into yet another formula.
but all these decision-slicers are in with it now,
and instead of sweaty bars like yesteryears it's really much so
brewery taps, ale houses, and it's so very very hipstered up.

And you're supposed to... you know, chum it up, kiss butt,
let yourself be "known, defined"
and I like to entertain, and perform,
but it is cathartic. It is stress relieving,
it is manic or tapping-in, to the subconscious
or to some "inner thing"
and I have to just be silent, or away from people,
and focus on my own energies,
and it gets tooken backwards, or mishandled by practically anybody else.

Like I am a musician, and all of these other things,
because this or that.. you know,
near-death experiences... not fitting to this or to that growing up.

All these others can market themselves, they fit in with others,
but do all this stuff anyway. They have it all as a pure business now.
Their parents are rich as shite and things like that, even, too.
And it's the same thing all over again, you know.
Like I'm the untouchable, or the judged... in an "industry" now
where all the while it was supposed to be about bringing your heart,
bringing your you, and what made you find something which I absolutely do,
which is the inability to resist picking up an instrument at the oddest
of any odd hour.
And playing not even to record.
So many, and I mean many many many, really nice licks of strings
or limericks of words,
they're just played to the spirits, or to the moments.

And I decided, and really think,
like that's it... that's what it is.
The audiences for me are spirits.
And things I feel are so much more alive
than this schedule world today,
or people that will drop you so damned quickly,
or maybe stay around to use you or whatever,
which is what I found a lot of.
But then when you bite back like I do, to stay alive,
or scold people to not ever bag up my soul or to basically
tell me that I am unwelcome,
because they can't figure me out, and everything needs to be
figured out today,so you can manage it, you know, or book it,
and title it...
sure as all that frustrates people when they can't pin you down.

But I think after all the moments in this life that's called mine,
facing so much raw without self medicating,
and having just myself to turn to in so! much of it,
I'm not sure a lot of them are really like dire into being
outlier that way. They'd had family and this and that be there for them.

So I come out with this raw kind of rorcache for their head maybe,
and it seems intruiging enough or maybe confusing. Maybe hated even,
I don't know. It's not my bother totally if anyone gives a care,
especially at this point,
but I'll go and be very very happy,
and I tried saying it this way a few times already,
to honest as day climb up into a tree, and to just play there.
For "nobody"
but it's not for no one truly,
and when I go to a cemetary wherever, or walk deep into "nowhere"
and then play for "nobody,"
I mean I don't know, I'm playing for somebody.
And it's the dead whose ideas are still alive way more to me than
most living people or their ideas are alive,
or it's for whatever life is there, without boxed walls and a time slot
sort of choking me in.

I've seen and inhaled so much of music industry while
being in a drastic state of having no uplift or like major success with
any of it either.
and have seen that it destroy people with what is also called
"success" by it.
So I have to say that an accomplishment at least is to play however
I wish to at any time, and to satisfying whatever does need to be
and is healed through playing music and songs.
That's where I'm at with it.
And I'm still learning and always am learning with it,
and if lucky enough will find other instruments along the way, always.
And not be stuck into ever ever caring what terms or definitions or
sort of really ridiculous creeds of cans and can-nots there are
laid down by people who have way more safety nets and cushions
and wads of cash and you list it, right in their own lives than I have
or ever had.

Deep down I am accepting that rather than chasing any dreams of
ever having others at all really understand or feel out what I am doing
music-wise, it is a kind of goal with no attainable end,
and seems full of distraction and sort of social politics,
social politics that are the reason I played music to get away from in
the first place.
Like if my whole Soul is not brandable enough or coherently relatable
enough to whoever owns and runs, controls and allows, and adversely so,
bans and gatekeeps and does not allow,
people like myself who are sort of the "Chaos Agents"
or "chaotic neutral" types, who aren't really fully solidified,
and that is what I understand myself to be, as a searching soul really,
and someone who really has to be doing this because it is absolutely a
part of my life, no matter what...
It's following where my Spirit takes me.

I cannot note enough how if you do anything that others
cannot thumb down or totally define, than as equally
beautiful or enchanting as some of it may be, it also
equally frightens or terrifies, or causes confusion to them,
because to understand it a bit better then they have to break down
their very own barrier. And that is one thing very many are unwilling to do.

A lot of what it is I create at times is there to break those barriers,
because as I learn about the world and about me, and challenge my own
comfort levels, I have to do that intensely sometimes.
So no "genre" can really be afforded.
And that throws the sales pitch right out the window.

The expansive forests and the parks of the memories of those who passed,
And the hopeful peace of sanctuary places of birds,
who all may find the sounds of singing and humming, playing and ad-libbing,
so much as alien sounds or signals of some variant realm echoing---
it makes so much more sense to go out and play places of such.

I try to say it or explain it,
and it is hard to find anyone to ever listen at all,
yet it is the music itself, not words of talking,
"introducing yourself" for the judgements of socializing
and peoples approach/disband games of fight or flight---
it is playing right then and right there,
in how you get to know somebody... or me, at least.
That's my way to communicate.
That's life in the moment,
that's me telling of my spirit,
and saying this is me.